Two Liberals and A Mule
The story goes something like this,
There are two friends both attending Harvard, both are liberal and very “save the planet” oriented, in other words completely brainwashed. One of the fellow’s names was Ted and the other is Assemi, Al for short.
Immediately upon graduation, both go to work for major Wall Street financial institution with big compensation packages in the “paper” (bonds, derivatives, currency options, etc.) trading divisions. Each of these two fellows hit it huge their very first year and make seven-figure incomes including base and bonus.
The two met for dinner one night and neither was happy. As the conversation progressed, they both decided to give away almost all of their earnings and purchase small farms. They were going to live off the land, reduce their carbon blue print, save the world, etc. They figured if they were wrong given they were so successful the first time right out of school, they could always do it again if they must.
One of the fellows gave his money to the Sierra Club, the other gave his to Greenpeace except enough to pay for the farm, and a little cash to get the first crops started.
Their farms were in the same town although several miles apart. They did stay in close communication to discuss each others progress.
One afternoon Ted was in the small town and he saw a fellow with a ragged old mule he was going to pay to have slaughtered. The mule was far too skinny and looked like he had not been cared for very well.
Ted approached the fellow and asked what the story of the mule was? The stranger said, “He’s just a mule. Why are you worried about it?” When Ted saw him take the mule into the slaughterhouse stockyard, he could not handle that response so he asked for how much the stranger would sell the mule. The stranger quickly said $50. Ted bought the mule because he was convinced he could not only save the mule, but also make the mule productive if it was treated humanely.
A commercial farmer named George happened to overhear the conversation. George owned thousands of acres of high capacity farmland which he farmed using every technological advantage and chemical crop enhancement he could legally deploy. Needless to say, George was quite successful, but he was also the precise opposite of Ted. He was fascinated by the naiveté and Liberal ideology of Ted.
Ted took the mule home and went right to work.
He fed, bathed, and brushed out the mule. The mule looked pretty good to Ted. He kept this up for two weeks before deciding to see if he could hook the mule up to an old plow left on the farm from the previous owner. Sure enough, the mule plowed great. He could not contain his exuberance and felt he had to share his success with his friend Al .Ted and Al had always been fierce, but friendly competitors.
A few days later Al stopped by Ted’s farm one afternoon to see this magic mule. Ted was proud of himself. Al was impressed and envious. Without even thinking about it Al, convinced he can do better with this mule asked Ted if he would take $100 for the mule. Ted thought about that for a few minutes. He knew that this mule eats a lot and after all that is 100% profit, so he sold the mule to Al.
Al knew he needed to “one up” Ted so he immediately started working on the mule. Al washed the mule and began to feed the mule sweet feed instead of hay. He then rounded up a pair of clippers and groomed the mule’s hair to a consistent length. Next, he trimmed the mule’s mane and tail including braiding both with color braids. He had the old mule looking great in just a matter of days. Unlike Ted, he did not use the old mule for plowing. Instead, he fattened the mule and took it to local schools for kids to pet and learn about animals. Al knew Ted would be envious for not thinking of this use for the mule.
Ted stopped by to visit Al about a month later and saw the mule. He was impressed, so impressed that he could not stand it. He offered Al $200 for the mule. Just as Ted reasoned originally, Al knew this was 100% profit with bragging rights so he sold the mule back to Ted. Now Ted needed to figure out how he could make the mule look better and do more to one up his friend.
Ted visited the local Tack Shop to find ideas. He got it. He bought a bridle and a saddle for the old mule. The best money could buy. Then, he had a shiny brass nameplate engraved with the mule’s name on it for the bridle strapping. However, the mule had not been named, so he gave the old mule the name “Freddie Mac.” He took the new tack home and began to get the mule accustomed to the bit and bridle instead of the old rope. The mule obviously was bridled before and he took to the bit immediately.
Ted saddled the old mule up and began to ride him. Wow, this was great. He had a mule he could ride with low fuel cost (hay) and no carbon footprint. Best of all, he one-upped Al in the process.
For several months, old man George had witnessed all of these transaction in complete awe and fascination of these two “city boys.”
Ted could not stand it. He had to ride the old mule to Al’s farm to show off. When he arrived, Al was duly impressed, but his competitive ire began to rise again. After complimenting Ted profusely, Al asked Ted what he had to pay for the Bridle and saddle.
Ted replied that he got a bargain and bought both for $800. Al calculated the total investment in the old mule is $1000. After doing some quick math in his head and thinking he could get a trailer set up to beat Ted, he spoke up and offered Ted 3 times his money for the old mule, $3000. Ted did not need to think much about that offer; SOLD.
George happened to drive by during this transaction and said to the boys, “Mighty fine looking mule you boys got there.”
Thanks they replied in unison because they both felt a valuable part of this achievement. Al then blurted out, “And we only have $3000 in this fine animal. George just shook his head in astonishment and drove away.
Well, that dismissive and humiliating reaction from George pissed both of these fellows off. As if of one mind, Ted and Al looked at each other as Ted asked if Al was thinking the same thing he was. Al responded, “I think so if you thinking about taking this investment to the markets?” “Yep” said Ted. The two of them went inside to work out the details.
They decided that based on available tax deduction for farm investment, their contacts on Wall Street they could syndicate this mule for about $30,000 or 10 times best offer. The market appetite for paper products is strong.
Let’s do it. Al paid Ted $500 for an equal share in the financial instrument, the mule. Then they contacted their Wall Street friends to sell them 300 shares of the investment for $100 each, a handsome profit and they get to keep the mule. Wall Street only wants the paper, properly executed of course.
The Wall Street Boys determined they could market this investment within already active income producing funds to offset gains and as such, it should be worth at least 2-1/2 times the base investment. They set the value of the product at $75,000 and sold 750 shares to their clients through fast moving fund managers for $100 per share.
Ted and Al, with chests and head swelled in pride for their brilliance had just proven that the Liberal investment model is alive, well, and profitable without doing any damage to the environment.
About two months later George was walking through downtown and he noticed both of these city boys looking tired, ragged, completely disheveled, and destitute sitting on a sidewalk in front of the local bank. They each had a Starbucks coffee cup and looked as if they were actually begging for coins.
George had to know the rest of this story. He went over to the boys and said, “I thought you boys were getting rich over selling that old mule back and forth? What’s with the long faces and homeless look?”
They looked at each other before lowering their heads looking downward to the sidewalk as though they were completely defeated. Al spoke first and said,” We lost everything and the bank has taken my farm.”
Ted chimed in and said, “Yeah. Mine too and all the investors are suing us for their money back.”
“What went wrong?” George asked.
“The Mule caused all of this by dying. And, we forgot to buy bailout insurance with a campaign contribution to Obama and McCain.”
The Moral of the Mule story;
• When you sell someone something made from nothing, the day will come when the buyer wants to touch your nothing.
• Without a real product, you may not produce real dollars.
• Just because you earned a PHD at an Ivy League School, you can still be too smart by half.
• Many people suffer when Liberals are in charge.
• Even after the suffering is inflicted, the Liberal blames his folly on someone or something else.
• Liberal campaigns to “Save the Planet” always become unadulterated greed shadowed by purpose.
• The Utopian society is not scheduled for this life; it comes in the next.
• Remember to pay off both political parties; you never know what might happen or who will win.
• It does not matter what you call it, or how you dress it up, “A $50 Mule is a $50 Mule.”
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